“Friend Zone” is a controversial term in itself. But when people begin talking about getting ‘friend zoned in marriage‘, it indeed starts to sound a lot more intriguing.
However, like it or not, the term has already gained enough currency especially in popular discourse. Subsequently, it has become common enough for spouses to complain and/or resent about getting friend zoned.
Even marriage counselors relate that more and more spouses visiting them for marriage advice tend to refer to getting friend zoned by their partners as one of the common marital problems.
In this article, we’ll discuss the phenomenon of the husband getting friendzoned by his wife; and ways in which he may get out of the ‘zone’ and become truly intimate with his wife again.
So, What Exactly Is a Husband Friend Zone?
- Of course, this may mean slightly different things depending on the particular situation of the couple in question and the different factors involved therein. For example, the years they have spent as a couple; if they have kids; the nature of their present sexual life; whether or not the wife is attracted to another man; and so on.
- Generally speaking, however, we may describe the situation thus: the wife still regards her husband as a good friend, perhaps her best friend even; she doesn’t find any particular faults with him; he is still attentive and caring; and yet, for all that, she finds that there is no emotional connection between them anymore.
And she lets her husband know all this. In some cases, she may even want out of marriage.
How to Get Out of Your Wife’s “Friend Zone”?
- Well, first of all, as a husband, you must look at the positives. She still considers you as a good friend. And this is good news indeed.
- The above also implies that you do not get into any frequent arguments or fights and that, for the most part, you get along well with each other. It is only that she ‘feels‘ that something is missing or the marriage is not working out or there is a lack of an emotional bond, and so on.
Now, this is the time to make good of the fact that you are still good friends.
- As an aside here, we believe that nothing can better sustain a marriage and lead to a mutually happy and fulfilling marital life than genuine friendship between spouses. However, if your wife says that you are a good friend but not the ideal partner any more, obviously she is alluding to a somewhat different sort of friendship.
- All the same, if you are still friends, that means that you can still talk. So, yes, talk. Engage her in conversation—and in a friendly way. See if you can make her open up and speak more candidly about whatever emotional troubles or crisis she is experiencing at present.
However, be tactful when you try this. Before you go into the conversation, see if you can spend some lighthearted moments together. Go to a concert, arrange a dine-out at her favorite restaurant or simply go shopping together—whatever makes her happy and forget her troubles for the moment.
And then, once you get to the conversation, try to make it as casual as possible. Ask about her work, anything funny that has happened to her lately…and the like. Also, at appropriate moments, make physical contact but in a friendly, assuring manner. Then, when you get to the subject of the marriage, again adopt a casual tone. Talk in a roundabout manner if that seems the proper thing to do and converse in the guise of a friendship.
The most important thing here is that it should never appear as if you are engaging in a really Serious Conversation. And make sure to NEVER give her the impression that you are being pushy.
And, keep in mind that things will not get cleared up in one sitting. Follow up with this routine at brief intervals and see if you can regain her trust and build the connection again.
- However, if the above doesn’t work, we strongly recommend that you see a professional marriage counselor. Visit the counselor together, but also have alone sessions.
- According to experienced counselors, when spouses visit them together, they often find it difficult to open up in the presence of their partner. And this is often because they don’t want to hurt the other’s feelings by talking plainly and openly about what exactly it is that is troubling him or her.
This is why alone sessions are valuable since they allow the counselor a greater opportunity to get to the heart of the problem.
For example’s sake, let us say that your wife feels that you are not a good partner in bed. And yet she remains silent about this fearing that frankness here may hurt your ego or cause you embarrassment.
- According to one reputed counselor, this is a common enough problem and something that is incredibly easy to fix. This person relates that for all the hyper-sexualized culture we have been raised in, most of us simply do not know the art of being a good lover. Fortunately though, there are many great books and other resources that can TEACH us the art of lovemaking. And if being a good lover to your wife solves the problem, nothing can be better than that.
- However, although this is a common enough problem, there is another side to it as well—and a rather bleak one. We are talking about this scenario: the couple (or at least one of the spouses) feels that the marriage is not working out because they do not enjoy a gratifying sexual life. Whereas the fact is that they do not have a good sex life BECAUSE their marriage is not working out. In other words, they are not a mutually loving couple anymore.
However, to go back to our main topic, what can you do as a husband to get out of your wife’s friend zone.
- Yes, you can have friendly chats with her. Try to re-establish the apparently lost ‘connection’. You can visit a counselor. But you need to work on YOURSELF as well.
- Acknowledge the possibility that if your wife does not find any real attraction towards you anymore, it could be that you yourself has changed. And there is nothing too unusual about that either.
We get married, settle down, have kids maybe, get too much involved with our work and to state the obvious, we AGE. The upshot is that we may start to neglect our appearance, start to take things for granted and so on. And everything appears to be going fine and smoothly enough until one fine day when your wife finally breaks the news that the ‘connection’ is lost.
As we said, this is a Possibility. It doesn’t have to be so but what we are saying is that you seriously need to consider if this IS really so.
- In fact, as often as not, there could be multiple reasons. Some of them you can mend by yourself, others you cannot. But if you do care to save the marriage, you’ll have to put your best foot forward.
- So, make sure to put some WORK yourself. Renew your gym subscription and get in shape. Have more of a social life, i.e., life outside work and marriage. Try to find things your wife finds interesting now that she is older, more mature, and a mother perhaps. Try to locate the areas where, despite yourself, you’ve failed to act as a proper and a caring husband and invest time on correcting those errors.
In short, make yourself attractive to your wife once again. At least, try your best.
Point-to-Note however that the above does not mean that you should act as if you are desperate to save the marriage and is prepared to go to any lengths to achieve that.
On the contrary. The whole idea is that your wife must discover your worth all over again. Stay her good friend, but don’t mollycoddle her. Make yourself desirable so that she, too, on her part, puts the work necessary to get the marriage back in track.
Since in order for it to work, all the effort expended has to be mutual, after all.